How to convince parents to happily let you go abroad alone for a year?

[chelsea13]

I'm from an Asian family, and although my folks are quite nice about everything (e.g. I don't have a curfew, I do occasional travels with friends), they're very very uptight about my travel plans. I'm a Spanish major and fascinated with Latin American culture, so my ultimate goal is really, to travel there. I've always had a plan of doing one year of exchange in Monterrey, Mexico, and have always casually mentioned it in front of them to 'get them prepared' that I have such plan. But whenever I mention travelling alone, even to places as close as Vietnam, they will freak out and start lecturing me, which goes along the lines of 'why do you think you're so cool to travel alone to such dangerous places? What if something happens to you? You can't be so selfish and just abandon everything and go alone somewhere.'. Hearing these makes me really mad, because I'm not travelling alone because I think it's 'cool', I really just want to experience another culture and learn the language, instead of always needing someone. I see where they're coming from. But I'm still quite upset about it. I told mum I should be going to Mexico for a year and she just freaked out, I mean, how can I convince her? She keeps repeating 'what if something happens to you?'. I don't know how to answer that. And Dad kept telling to listen to this local radio show which talked about the dangers of South America, etc.

When it comes to these things, my Dad is quite uptight and shall I say, narrowminded, because whenever he thinks of South America, the first thing that pops up on his mind is crime and danger.

I just want to be independent, I'm 21 and have never really left home for more than 2 weeks. I know that if I go to somewhere safer like Spain, then they would be calmer about it, but I really want to experience living in Mexico, in Latin American cultures, and learn the language. at the same time I don't want to argue with them because they're important to me.

What should I do? I'm torn in between

[travelpunk]

Well, our parents must be related.

After high school, my buddy and I were seriously planning to drive up to Alaska (from Seattle) and work in a cannery for the summer, then maybe on his parents tour Alaskan boat afterwards.

My parents were relentless, especially mom, in convincing me not to drive up there. I mean seriously, "what if your car breaks down and you get murdered on the side of the road? Did you hear the story about..."

Relatives came out of the woodworks to stop by the house for dinner, then unloaded their guns on me too (coordinated by my mom of course).

Eventually, we scrapped the plans and never went. Something that I've regretted til this day.

I'm asian too and my parents came from a troubled country (the Philippines) so it's just ingrained in their minds to think of danger and survival. They came to the US and it wasn't so easy to integrate back then.

They have Foxnews, CNN, MSNBC, running 24/7 in the background so all day long they're hearing about crime, disasters, scandals, cover ups, and all the bad elements happening around the world.

The problem with Mexico is that there are always problems and "lawlessness," if you will. I just read an article that 26,000 people have been killed in the past 3 1/2 years in Mexico due to their war on drugs (Monterrey is mentioned).

Most people have these visuals in their head of places, mostly coming from what they've seen in the movies and or on the news. Your parents could be visualizing the dirty border of San Diego/Tiajuana every time you say "Mexico." Which, quickly turns on "the switch" and gets them thinking of all the dangerous elements presented on the news channels.

Maybe, what you can do is get a nice glossy brochure of the University of Monterrey and other brochures and pamphlets of the school and the location and present it to them.

Then, maybe go to youtube and find some nice videos of the university and the major attractions of where you want to live.

It's a start in breaking down their mental image of the place.

They're thinking in "black and white" and you've got to paint a beautiful colorful picture.

It will be a slow process and maybe you just might have to study in Spain first, before going to Mexico. But that's not such a bad option, is it?

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Canadian Bacon]

Originally Posted by chelsea13

I just want to be independent, I'm 21 and have never really left home for more than 2 weeks. I know that if I go to somewhere safer like Spain, then they would be calmer about it, but I really want to experience living in Mexico, in Latin American cultures, and learn the language. at the same time I don't want to argue with them because they're important to me.

What should I do? I'm torn in between

Yeah I'm from a sorta traditional Chinese family too and at first they had a problem with me solo backpacking (my first solo trip was to the Middle East, so that was even more of a problem). Your parents don't seem too bad as you don't have curfew -- my Mom used to call me after 1 or 2am asking me where I was!!

However I echo was Godfather is saying, which is do your research, get your facts, show them where you are going in not 'dangerous' per se, argue that you know the language (you know Spanish right?), tell them many people have done it before... stuff like this that will wear them down eventually.

Basically the point is that you must remain calm, focused and persistent and don't get mad at them for having these views -- its only natural and until you have a child you will never understand the worry (this is what I am told of course... no babies for me, no sir). Instead, isolate their worry and wear them down one by one... it'll take a while and be hard, but if they set you're heart's set on it - they will let you fly.

Good luck!

CB

[expatben]

The first time I went backpacking sans parents it was to Belgium which granted is not as notorious for kidnappings and the like as Mexico but it was a foreign country and hence my Mother was nervous. Before I was allowed to go she wrote down some questions-
basically like where was I going to stay, do I know I have a enough money have I researched getting medical help type stuff. I bet if you researched those questions (Travelpunk.com is great for where to stay as you can look up and book hostels) it might make her more inclined to say yes.
As CB said keep calm and present then with logical arguments show them that you appriciate their concern if you cry and stomp your feet up and down they will just think you're a small child.
Also, as the God Father said tell them how many people go to Mexico and DON'T run into trouble and mention its only a small percentage that have a bad time (maybe throw in that they didn't have the common sence that you were raised with).
In other words my advice is calmness+logic+sucking up=maybe a trip to Mexico.

[LostFarmboy]

Stories about people who have survived Mexico should help calm them a little.

Mexico was actually the first country I ever travelled to solo. I was 22 and had rarely been outside of rural Australia at the time. I spoke no Spanish, had very little travel experience, and knew next to nothing about the country. I had a fantastic time! I had no bad experiences at all - no violence, no muggings, no theft, no problems whatsoever. Common sense and a trusty guidebook are all you need to survive Mexico. It's a very well travelled country.

Your parents are always going to be incredibly concerned when you do something out of the ordinary. But, once you go and they see what a great and safe time you're having, they'll come around.

Also, concern is all relative. Relative to your usual travel, Mexico is a big deal, so your parents worry. Relative to Mexico, your parents see Spain as a very safe option, so they're ok with it. All you need to do is present another option that you are "seriously considering" that is more dangerous than Mexico and your parents will become the biggest fans of Monterrey .

[chelsea13]

Thank you everyone for your detailed insights!

I should really stay calm when I talk about this with them next time, because whenever they disagree with me, I end up crying - which is not a very mature thing to do. I will have all the research done and give them flashy brochures about the university. I heard Monterrey is not as bad as other parts of Mexico but it's slowly changing, there's more danger etc. Common sense is absolutely crucial. I come from Hong Kong and it's probably one of the safest places on Earth, plus I grew up in New Zealand - another peaceful town. Thus, it will probably be a bit of a shock when I experience the Latin American life.

I've also consulted some of my friends, who are travel maniacs, and they said:

1) Tell them that it's with the university, because everything associated with the university seems safer, and more credible
2) Don't tell them that I'm going for a year! Say 9 months instead. One year sounds tooo long and hence my Mum was freaking out.
3) Tell them that I will mostly be studying in university with friends, or in the apartment? (haha, although I know that I will definitely travel to other parts of the country, and to Cuba)

The hardest barrier to cross is my Dad, he's very narrow minded when it comes to Latin America because all he can think of is danger, drugs, crime, rape and well, did I mention crime? It's going to be hard to convince him. The last time I mentioned MExico, he ruled me off right away on the spot!

[Canadian Bacon]

^ Exactly: like crying after a fight with parents provokes the question: how is this kid gonna react in the face of ACTUAL danger???

One last thing is that while your Dad (understandably) is worried about bad stuff happening to you, the first way to counter such views is to acknowledge that this stuff DOES happen and what you are taking is sort of a calculated risk. Then you say that this risk is lowered by such things as: going with the university, knowing people in the city, staying in X safe neighbourhood, etc, etc...

But above all, you gotta aknowledge that solo travel and living by yourself somewhere with no experience is INDEED taking a risk! ...But of course, nothing wagered, nothing gained

[marrabel]

Nice post...

On the one hand you should understand your parents and try to find the compromise not to make them nervous. Try to explain them that it is the safest place in the world and great possibility to study, to know many new things and so on.

[melliset]

Nice post..

[marrabel]

I think in any case your parents will understand you, because you are their child.

[EscapeThatCube]

chelsea,

How did things work out? Did you make it to Latin America?

I am currently in Nicaragua and loving it here. The people are so friendly and I feel really safe. My wife is also traveling with me and she has falling in Love with Nicaragua.

There are tons of things to do, places to go, people to meet and its very safe.

Post an update letting us know if you worked this out with your parents.