Italian for beginners

[lilwings]

Ok, so I am going to Florence and Naples during the late spring, and I am learning some basic Italian on my own. I think I have the little things down (how to politely ask for a room, a menu, a table, and so forth). I was wondering if someone could translate the following:

"Excuse me, sir, my ass is not a hand- hold."
"My breasts do not have the sports pages tattooed on them."

These were once two phrases that came in handy on a couple of occassions in France (at a bar... with alcohol... and there was grabbing). Thank you.

[Rozza]

ok i found these rough translations, and i mean ROUGH,

No.1: Scusarme, il signore, il mio non è come una mano- la presa.


No.2: I miei seni non hanno le pagine di sport tatuato su loro.

hope that helps, but i'm sure some one else can do much better

[omisan]

Try a good slap! That's usually more effective, and part of the universal language of physical violence to express displeasure.

Otherwise, you can try:

Scusi, signore. Mi culo non è una maniglia.

I miei cioccie non hanno la pagina du sport tattuagio su loro.

But the hands down favorite to ward off a horny italian guy is:
Scopilo! Scopilo!